Intel for Chom Ong Cave

Does anyone else's hair look better when it's a bit greasy? Leave ur thoughts in the comments!

Despite being the biggest cave in Northern Laos, there's not much on the internet to tell you how to independently get to Chom Ong cave in Oudomxay Province, so I thought I'd take it upon myself to pass on some *useful* infos for any of you cuties thinking of doing this thing. YOU'RE WELCOME. 

A couple o forums/dead blogs circa 500BC mentioned either motorbiking or bus-then-hiking there from Oudomxay, taking an ass-slamming dirt road the second half of the way to the wee village. After mashing a curb doing the Thakhek Loop, I wasn't exactly in a rush to take on yet another quagmirous camino, this time on my own. Even though it would mean an extra day or two, in rainy season this lone ranger takes #norisks and suggests you don't neither. Also the guy at the tourism office said if it rained in the afternoon I was basically fucked.

So I managed to grab the 8:30 oudomxay - luang namtha minivan and alighted at Nambotokay village, paying 20,000 kip (I've stopped asking the prices; I just assume). That's when I saw the famously impassable dirt road, which three kids on a shitty manual were absolutely bucking, yelling ''My name is! My name is! Hello teacher!" They killed me.

Maps.me was being a drama queen and acted like it would take 5h26 but the 18km took about 3h10 (inclusive of two mini-lifts of a couple of kms). The villagers were rate nice. When I got to Chom Ong, I naively heeded the advice and went straight to the village, a faux pas that added a good few kilometres. Everyone seemed confused at my sudden apparition. Until a hobbity old man started talking at me in Khmu and gesturing to where I'd come from. So I went straight to the cave, where I found Thongkhan shifting firewood. I asked to 'do' the cave there and then, because if ur legs are already in excruciating pain then hair of the dog right. Probably bummed him out because he hadn't had lunch yet (nor had I but I was TOO EXCITED EHRMAGERD).

We ate some sticky rice and bamboo and then headed into the rocky cathedral. It was fucking massive. I don't know what else to say really. Which is good cos I took some photos.

TK showed me where a massive boulder had fallen from the ceiling six months ago. Villagers who heard it from outside thought there had been an explosion. It made me think of the Thailand cave rescue mission. #topical

He also showed me where Chinese people had broken off and stolen bits of stalactite. I was like WTF is that even a thing. Still it's a dick move.

The cave is projected for full tourist annihilation (lights, trail, health&safety, bunting etc) by 2020 so GO NOW if u know what's real (unless you are a nervous Nora).

After picking our way through the literal bat shit (it used to be used to make gunpowder for shooting other critters) we re-emerged into the hot and bright world. In the village we supped on more sticky rice and bamboo - TK offered me frogs and snails but I was like you go ahead mate. Then I taught him some basic Chinese to help him when they come and try to barge into the cave or buy his land. Things like 'Can I help you?' (passive aggressive) ''which country are you from?' (rhetorical) and 'you cannot enter the cave without a guide'. Hopefully this will help rescue a stalactite or two... It just stalac-might. 😬

I stayed the night here. Slept like a pangolin.

Set out at 6AM for the 18km hike back (did I mention it's 18km? It's 18km) just after having some guess-what-more-sticky-rice foistered on me for the journey by TK's mum. Oh and also it was pissing it down. But yknow, if u don't go, when u gonna go, yaknow?

The rest is a bit of a blur. I just remember talking to myself in funny accents and trying to smile sweetly/probably grimacing painedly at the villagers.

Reaching Nambotokay was like reaching Mordor - best feeling ever #madeit #blessed. Forever glad I did not motorbike because if it had rained like it did, Sally would be dead and gone #RIP #thoughtsandprayers. Those muds were roady.

Hung out with some villagers before hailing a passing minivan on its way to Vietnam (! IKR), getting off in Oudomxay, demolishing an outrageous curried rice w banana and pineapple, and passing out on the 3PM minivan to Luang Namtha.

Moral of the story kids: only motorbike it if you're 80% certain you won't end up as human pâté, it's dry season and you CBA saying Sabaidee! to the nice villagers.